Musings on Communication (DRAFT)

Web of Reasoning

There are several premises that serve as the foundation for my thoughts on communication.

Telepathy Doesn’t Exist: As much as I wish mind reading as depicted in Star Trek or other sci-fi-fantasy contexts was a skill or capability we had as humans, sadly, this isn’t the case.

The Timeline is Everything: If everything inside our heads could be perfectly placed onto a common timeline, the sequence of cause and effect for most disagreements, feelings, or miscommunications would be fairly clear. Such a timeline would greatly assist in assigning fractional blame for a given outcome. It would also provide valuable data for building personal accountability.

The concept of an everpresent timeline that continuously records everyone’s thoughts and emotions closely relates to several more premises:

Human Memory is (Too) Fallible: For things that have a clear and true answer, such as if someone said or did something, I’d rather not rely on anyone’s memory, including my own, but instead only rely on machine-made recordings to validate the truth of something. If such a recording does exist, review it for the facts, be accountable for what came out of whoever’s mouth, and apologize if it is deemed necessary or beneficial. If such a recording doesn’t exist, shift the dialogue towards what is the common goal or purpose of having the discussion, and work forwards from there.

Memory and time are intrinsically related. The imaginary Timeline I speak of represents a perfect omnipresent memory - it is what all human experiences are conceptually compared to for accuracy. Because such a Timeline does not exist, there are several useful proxies:

Intention: This is the driving force behind words, actions, or behaviors. It is something that can be explained clearly to another person. The desired outcome.

[Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: Intention]

The Best Judge: Assuming we aren’t talking about individuals who, for example, are very young, highly intoxicated, or extremely mentally ill, every individual is their own best source of what they think. Notice that I said ‘best’ and not ‘perfect’; I believe perfect self-knowledge is impossible. We are all a work in progress when it comes to the quality of our introspection. In the event an outsider feels they have a ‘better’ understanding of our thoughts, they may suggest alternatives that we then thoroughly scrutinize. If we disagree with the outside assessment, we reject it and retain our original. Yet if we agree with the outsider’s suggestion, we assimilate it, update our position, and thank them for their input.

Sender and receiver concept

The process by which individuals interact to form the Timeline in a fashion that actually gets them closer to the ideal requires some additional points.

Assume Trust: Trust exists on a spectrum from zero to complete. I assume the likelihood is very low that others in day-to-day (or even semi-heated) situations are trying to mislead or even blatantly lie to me. Therefore, I generally accept what others tell me as representative of what they understand as most true, with the understanding that I shouldn’t necessarily accept it as absolutely or externally true. With regards to topics of fact, I decide to what degree I assume trust based on their credibility and believability relative to me, vs researching the fact myself. With regards to topics that can’t be proven, like feelings, no external 3rd party source exists to validate against, thus in most situations, must be accepted as expressed.

Ask ‘Good’ Questions: What I generally mean by this is don’t ask leading questions. Instead, ask open-ended questions based on a foundation of curiosity. If a leading question is hard to avoid due to the situation, append statements elaborating the Intention behind the leading question.

Asking ‘Good’ Questions allows others to assist in helping someone be their own Best Judge and to stress-test their Intention. It is impossible for us to generate every given possible thought, thus there is always the chance that we are missing something others might possibly see.

Seek a Higher Form of Truth

Watch for your Triggers formed from past bad habits

Check which Glasses you’re Wearing

What Story are you Telling Yourself

Provide a Detailed Example with Comments????

A ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ example in side-by-side columns????

Conclusion:

NEVER* tell me how/what I think.

* I try very hard to use Adverbs of Frequency (always, sometimes, never, etc) as accurately as possible - thus when I use them, I almost always mean them! Anyone anytime is free to question if I used such words in jest, hyperbole, for clarification, or to provide me with a counterexample.

For starters - Telepathy Doesn’t Exist, so you, nor anyone, can read my mind. Instead, please Ask Good Questions, express your Intention, help me be The Best Judge of my own mind, then Assume Trust regarding my response. This process is inherently iterative, thus may take several cycles to get to where everyone is on the exact same page. It will likely take far more time than desired, yet I feel there is great value in reaching understanding.

Don’t allow your feelings to settle onto the timeline as fact until you have proved them.

I will seek to also follow the above process as well as possible, though neither of us are likely to do it perfectly - so let’s support each other by holding one another to very high standards of quality communication!

Lies, Damn Lies

The major pushback I get regarding my mental model for communication relates to lies. Some people think they have such a long history with someone who they feel has repeatedly lied that they can’t utilize most of the premises I outlined above.

Over valueing one’s memory,

If you think someone is lying to you, and you ask them, and they say no, yet you still feel the same way, you need to find a way to definitively prove they are lying. For ‘easy’ situations, all that is needed is surveillance videos, audio recordings, or written content. Such proof will solidly make your point. If they plausibly explain the misunderstanding, then things are hopefully mended. If they fail to be accountable for their lie, deflect, or get defensive, and this pattern happens every time you catch them - it’s time to distance yourself from this person - they aren’t worth your time. For more ‘difficult’ situations, where, for example, recordings don’t exist, well-designed logic traps where their reasoning is shown to be inconsistent may come in handy. In some situations, you may never be able to ‘prove’ they are lying - in this case, the only other option may be to distance yourself from this person.